Aug. 10, 2009: Palawan, Da-- JESUS CHRIST, THERE'S A STARFISH ON MY FACE!!!

As almost everyone else is taking a morning PAL flight back to Manila, Yours Cheaply is flying out the same way he flew in via ZestAir, albeit on a 5:15PM flight. With one whole morning and mid-afternoon to kill, I was invited to join some of the remaining guests (all from Pei's side) for some scuba diving or snorkeling at Honda Bay. While I'm out of the city TinTin's dad was kind enough to get my plane ticket and check in my luggage, since Legend Hotel discontinued that courtesy for some reason.

Upon arrival at Honda Bay I opted to join the snokel group (me, Mira and her family), since my last scuba dive was almost 3 years ago, not to mention I'm too cheap to rent the necessary equipment. Besides, the rental guys were already squeezing them dry w/ the boats and moving of the oxygen tanks. Also, it seemed every stop we made cost 50 bucks. We took separate boats, and ours took us to a hut in the middle of the ocean, situated near a coral bed. We took turns w/ the snorkeling so Mira and I went off first. Mira had the advantage of being pulled along by our guide, while I swam behind her to follow.

As underwater activities go, snorkeling's overrated. My brain was multitasking w/ the obvious (don't die), the aesthetic (check out those coral and the fishies) and the logistical (don't lose track of Mira and the guide). Needless to say I ended up having to blowhole a good amount of saltwater out of my snorkel. Being a cloudy day, there was also insufficient sunlight to break through the ocean murk. After we got back to the hut it was Mira's husband's turn to check out the sea-sights.

Afterwards the boat took us to Starfish Island, whose course white sand (and numerous sea pebbles) made for some uncomfortable barefoot walking. Here I got to see my first live starfish in its natural habitat (i.e. not in SeaWorld). The scuba group caught up w/ us just was we were poking at a beached jellyfish and taking seeming risque pictures w/ the starfish.

I also collected (but left behind) a bunch of what I thought where starfish eggshells or what Pei said were sea urchin eggshells, but after some wikipeding it turns out they were sand dollars.

On our last island stop my chance to eat fresh grilled seafood was cut short as I had to go back to the city w/ the scuba group so I could make my flight. Made it w/ time to spare (since I had to change from my swimtrunks), but I was almost held back because I was short 10 freakin' bucks for the P40 terminal fee and not a single vendor in the airport could split 500 pesos. And after a brief snafu w/ my pasalubong bag full of cashews (left it by the terminal fee table while looking to change my bill, where it was mistakenly picked up by airport personnel who thought a lady who already went in left it behind), the lady at the table finally gave me a break and let me though. When I arrived in Manila karma turned its wheel when after I paid to hire a airport taxi (Ma needed the car), my change was short by 10 bucks. Stingily enough I didn't say argue on it, but the guy managed to get me my remaning change. In my defense, there's a big diff between 40 and 650 bucks.

Aug. 9, 2009: Palawan, Day 3

Late to bed, early to rise, off to see the Hundred Isles. (Acutally it was the subterranean caves, but that didn't rhyme.)

After almost being 欺骗ed at the local Chicken Inato on our breakfast bill (to the staff: don't present a menu w/ "in-house" prices then later attempt to charge us extra for not being hotel guests), we shuttle-vanned to our motorized boats and headed for the Puerto Princesa Subterranean River National Park. Once ashore (note: Crocs sandals w/ Velcro straps and seawater don't mix) we had a brief trek before reaching the entrance to the cave, even encountering monkeys and small Komodo dragons along the way. Luckily we made it just before the boatmen were off to take their lunch break.

After donning the hardhats and smelly life-vests, we hopped on the boats --8 at a time-- to be paddled into the "Bat Cave" by Kuya Jun-Jun. Manol sat port bow to handle our big flashlight while I sat aft for picture-taking duties. I'm guessing having indivual lamps attached to the hats would've proved expensive and impractical, as every time you turned your head you risk blinding your companions. As such the inside of the cave was enveloped in blackness, and the only natural sounds were made by birds and water droplets from the ceiling. At least you hope it was water and not bats or birds crapping on you.

Kuya Jun Jun's eloquence in describing scientific and historical data on the cave wasn't so much marred by broken English as it was by his heavy accent. Just his luck the one foreign language he didn't have any familiar phrases to throw at us was Thai. On our way into the cave he shouted to his fellow boatman (who was exciting the cave w/ his charges) that his group was Ong Baks. At least the movie reference wasn't bad.

Everything inside felt damp (as opposed to humid), and the air had a strange odor, but it wasn't guano, thankfully. One interesting fact I learned was the krrtt rtt sounds often heard in the caves were actually being made by swallows for echolocation, not bats, as the latter would do it w/ ultrasonics, w/c humans can't hear. Almost every picture I took of the cave ceiling crevices had lots of small bats staring back at me, their guano streaming the walls like chocolate ripple on a marbled icing cake. (Mmm, digustingly tasty...)

Many of the rock formations were left

to the imagination as to how to describe them, be it the "Dinosaur," the Mama Mary, or even a somewhat prerequisite "Jesus Face." (At least it wasn't on a piece of toast this time.) We also saw a snake or two. The whole trip took 45 minutes, and you don't get to see the other end of the cave, at that would drag the boat into much stronger currents that head straight to the South China Sea. After we walked back to shore we had sandwiches for lunch, where I had peanut butter before finding (and missed out on) they brought cheeseburgers, too.

A bunch of us headed back to the city, while the group I was with decided to stay a little longer and hang out at the beach. Sand wasn't Boracay quality, but nice, nonetheless. The Thai group ordered beer and noodles, and even befriended a labrador that decided to hang out and sleep by our table. On our way back to the van I spotted a "hermaphrodog" Manol said he saw earlier, w/c made for a definitely weird endcap to My Day On the Beach.

Once we got back to the city we had less than an hour to freshen up before we were again whisked away for our big seafood dinner at the restaurant by the shore. Despite our rush we missed seeing the sunset by a hair. We had to fill up on the food as the Thai group were preparing to take us out for drinks afterwards, and we needed something to absorb all that alcohol.

At the bar/restaurant ((where Tan siblings Tiffany, Tammy and Earl joined us afterwards) I had my first taste of SanMig Premium, w/c differentiates itself from the original Pale Pilsen by the extra ingredient of hop (whatever that is). The Thais brought the Patron and a bottle of Johnny Walker, of which I also took my one (and only) shot. It was like drinking liquid plastic. Aside from billiards, drinking games and eating what looked (and tasted like) squid guts, a portion of the evening was also spent discussing Jazz's "lifestyle," w/ the big distinction between being gay and a "woman trapped in a man's body" being laid out (he/she's the latter).

As the drinking winded down some of us went to Tiffany's "family disco," w/c was located on the top floor of the Ram Tan building. The green laser light setup really spruced things up, but the real "highlight" were some of the dancing patrons, including an old lady that could give pre-Idol Paula Abdul a run for her money, and a skinny dude that danced in front of the wall-mounted electric fan in some weird attempt to keep himself from sweating up a storm. All of us managed to cut the rug as well, w/ brief Gatorade breaks for recharging. If honor of the late MJ Manol had the DJ play Billy Jean and Thriller. And just when I thought we were finally ready to call it a night (at least Manol did), the Tan sisters brought us to a local diner for some Pho noodles. They tasted sweet, almost as if these rice noodles were in mid-transformation from starch to sugar while drowning in pork stock. Some of their friends joined up halfway, where one of them traded sexual come-ons (and put downs) and did the David Blaine cigarette ash trick w/ Jazz. The former she "won," while the latter "got" her. Guess she didn't watch that "Street Magician's Secrets Revealed" TV special a few years back.

Aug. 8, 2009: Palawan, Day 2

Ah, the lovely non-rainy weather. When I first arrived in Palawan the driver who picked me up from the airport said that unlike wet and rainy Manila, Puerto Princesa had been experiencing warm, rain-free skies for the past 4 days. Not that I'm complaining, but holy crap a little breeze couldn't hurt. (Wait, that is complaining.)

This was probably the wedding where I hung out the longest w/ the bride while she (and everyone else) was having their hair and makeup done. (Hell, I never loitered this long for my sister's wedding.) I think it was because the thought of staying in my tiny hotel room to wait out the next several hours (w/ next-to-no lunch options) until the church wedding had significantly less appeal. Good thing I went along w/ Diana when I did, otherwise I never would've met cool guests like Pei's co-workers Mira and Marie, nor taste Chicken Inato for the first time.

So the day was spent in the Asturias Hotel, where 3 rooms were rented out: one for the ladies, one for the gents and one for the guests, period. I was surprised to see Achi's SJCS classmate Rowena Tan (and made a major faux pas of asking her about her sister, whom I thought was BoiT's old classmate Kimmy, but turns out wasn't, and real sister passed away some time ago). Turns out her family's related to Tin's. Her two youngest daughters were in tow as flower girls, and they were grateful for me helping alleviate their boredom, as their cable tv was one the fritz and I just happened to bring along my portable DVD player and my Season 1 (and 5 eps of Season 2) DVD of Chowder, whom Mommy Wena did not know from Schnitzel.

I mentioned the weather earlier because Manol and I were fortunate enough to have brought our Barong Tagalogs, while everyone else in the wedding entourage had to wear a suit and tie. It didn't help that the church we went to either was running on weak generators or all those blue-tinted windows it had didn't provide adequate ventilation. All in all it was HOT, as if we were attending a wedding while being microwaved. Earlier we made it a point to sit near the doors where a cool breeze was blowing in, or cheat like Marie when readjusted the electric fan's swivel so it'd blow on their pew instead of ours.


Other memorable moments included Tiffany Tan trying not to cry while taking pix of her cousin walking down the aisle, the bridesmaids having trouble kneeling because of the way their dresses were made, and the priest getting away w/ not having to pronounce Pei's last name and just introduced Pei and Tin to the church audience as "The newly wedded couple."

As for the evening reception back at the Asturias, well, it definitely could have gone better, logistics-wise. But when your wedding coordinator's last job was as an assistant(?) coach to the local high school's basketball team, my confidence level on her performance should have been as low as my expectations. Thankfully Manol's turn on the emcee mike proved that you don't need flashy games nor long-winding speeches for wedding AVPs. Just be entertaining, and any material will seem like gold. Am taking lessons from this man.

Wena's kids pestered me all evening about catching the doves the newlyweds released. Eventually I relented, but as with all things you ought to be careful wishing for, once I caught one and gave it to elder sister she really didn't know what to do with it. Ah well, best for her to experience this now w/ a free bird, rather than wait 'til they get back to Manila and one day find themselves in front of the display window at Bio-Research looking at cute and pitiful dogs yearning to breathe free and pee on their carpeting.

While we missed out on the Dom Pérignon (seriously, how does one misplace 5 huge bottles of those things?), but at least got to taste the wedding champagne, cake and Patron tequila. Ok, everyone else had the last one. Body shots are not my idea of fun.

Anniversary Dinner (& A Movie)

I call it as such because it's almost one year to the day since I last had Beijinoy friends (and/or otherwise) over to my house for dinner while the 'rents are in HK.

Learning from last year's shortcomings I just invited everyone I could and cooked more food than usual. Most of them couldn't stay to finish the evening's featured film, but that's ok. Living room was stiflingly humid, anyway.

Tonight was arranged as a small "Welcome Back" party for Lyndon, who flew in the US (and enlisted in the US NAVY, yo!), and for to Tin and Pei, post-Palawan-wedding-wise. Tonight's menu consisted of spaghetti w/ meat sauce ('natch), boiled dumplings, broccoli in potato cream soup (easier than I thought to prepare), and grilled Hungarian sausages.

So for those who said they'd come but didn't, y'all missed out on a lotta meat. And Selecta Coffee Crumble for dessert. :p

(And apologies to Fernds for not getting your picture, otherwise this woulda been a complete group shot.)

Aug. 7, 2009: Palawan, Day 1

Diana took an morning PAL flight, while I opted for the cheaper mid-afternoon ZestAir ride. Despite all those horror stories concerning the latter airline, NO, I did not have to endure riding a cramped, twin-propeller engine plane. The plane was actually fairly new, spacious and not fully booked. Some seat-trays were missing, but since this was only a 1-hour flight I doubt they'd be needed. Best of all, unlike Cebu Pacific's no-frills-nor-thrills budget flights, I didn't have to endure the inanity of the flight attendants' parlor games in lieu of feeding the passengers snacks free of charge. They gave us Zesto on ZestAir, 'natch.

Upon arrival to Puerto Princesa city I was picked up by Legend Hotel's free shuttle service (Di nor Tin could pick me up since they had wedding rehearsals to attend). The driver gave me the impression that everywhere was only a few minutes away from everywhere else in P.P. City, but narrow roads and the dominance of commuter tricyles made for slow-but-steady traffic.

And speaking of narrow, I was booked in Legend's sister hotel Pads, where their solo flats are probably a square meter less than adveristed on their website. The flatscreen TV was hung at such a poor angle that you'd have to stand on the bed to get a decent view. I ended up taking it off the wall. Ah, well. Not like I'd be staying here long.

Met up w/ Diana, Tin's wedding dressmaker (and former Project: Runway Philippines contestant) Jaz, and Tin's uncles --both blood-related and otherwise-- at the hotel lobby. Pei picked us up and we headed for Tin's flat for dinner. The evening was spent dining, checking out Surf's Up on Blu-Ray (puts my 720p download copy to shame), thinking up quiz questions for the wedding reception and generally having a good time. A late-nite nightcap was had at the bar on the top floor of Pads (whose name escapes me at the moment), where I was introduced to Tin's cousins Tiffany and Tammy Tan.

Forgot to bring toothpaste. Had to ask Diana for some. Big Day Tomorrow.

"...And Boy, Are My Arms Tired."

Went to Puerto Prinsesa last Friday (flying ZestAir is fine, the heck w/ the horror stories) to attend TinTin (Palawan)'s wedding. Came back yesterday. Will get to more detail when I have time. :)

So What'd It FEEEEEeeel Like? (UPDATED, and How)

The plan came about after a movie, (a nice coming-of-age teen romantic dramedy) and over a chicken and soaked beef steak dinner (salty as hell). Think the other party's "excitement" over initiating him to this whole new word surpassed my anxiousness to experience it. Curiosity was abound, of course, but next to shoplifting waaay back when, this probably the closest to outlawness as it can get for him. And he uses uTorrent.

To the windy balcony!

First thing that struck him was the burning at the back of the throat, like someone put out a weak ciggie down there. Or an acid reflux w/burn instead of bile.

Then nothing. Fruity paper smell from the source. And burnt... paper? Other party's again all smiles and giggles over seeming charge in disposition from him when he didn't notice.

Come round deux it hit him: a sudden cotton-filling of the head. No, not filling, more like his brain was being blanketed with cloud and fog. When he stared at his fingers they seemed to wiggle in microscopic waves. There was also a slight blood rush to the head, but that was probably from standing up too quick.

Other than that no exaggerated sensations came over him. Things were more slow than funny.

When he got home tiramusu and a glass-and-a-half of milk mad for a midnight snack. Yums. No sugar-induced headache, either.

VERDICT: First experience overrated, as he might need to practice more and given more time to absorb material to apprecite its effect, if not its value.

That said, he gives his thanks and wishes them a safe travel safe until their return.

UPDATE: Around 5 in the morning, it hit him. A wrenching in the gut, nudging at the back of the throat. Really unpleasant. Then came what can only be described as being involuntarily prepped for a colonoscopy.

While that was fairly managed, the retching was not. Holy. God. Imagine your body was a wet towel and it was wrung to the limits to get the water out. It was like someone pushing his guts out w/ an open fist from under the ribs. And apparently the noises one makes when retching can't be controlled. He sounded like a ogre calling out for little kids to eat. Something's still stuck in the nasal passages, because everything at the moment smells like Parmesan cheese.

Had managed to eat breakfast, but won't be driving anywhere soon. Has to stay in and see if all that food this stay in this time. In the meantime and the foreseeable future: Just Say No.

SECOND UPDATE: He stayed in all day and night, bedridden. Endured loss of appetite, sore back and shoulders, headaches, sensitive skin, stuffy nose, pending nausea (i.e. wanting to puke but nothing's coming out), slight fever, hyperventilating and overall feeling craptacular.

AMENDED VERDICT: The otherwise healthy body offered little resistance to foreign substances, w/c is ironic since his immune system did its damnedest to flush it out. Guess it wasn't meant to be. The one time learning the hard way really was... ugh.

Coulda Been Bettah

Just got back from emceeing my first wedding reception this year (Yes, I've been having a bit of a dry spell, gig-wise) , held at the Sofitel Grand Ballroom for newlyweds (and, I'd like to think, new friends) Edmund and Candice (Tiu) Tang. Inspite of today's heavy rains (Sunday Floody Sunday) since I took EDSA I made it with time to spare.

The most popular feature at the reception was definitely the photo booth, but I wasn't able to partake of it. Also, for the longest time I've been taking less and less good pix of events I attend, w/c worries me, but I digress.

To describe my perfomance as being rough around the edges would be a kindness. "Edges?" Try "Needing a for a sandblaster."

My first pre-show misstep came when I left the DVD of the AVP in the car. Luckily my Personal Assistant* was able to retrieve it for me.

My first official misstep came the minute I introduced myself and called out the first pair of principal sponsors, because I misread my PA's hand signals and started the show when I should've just asked the principal sponsors to gather out in the hall.

Then on my second try, I missed saying "Mr." and "Mrs." twice in my introductions (sorry, parents of the Groom). Then my DVD wouldn't play (Pioneer DVD players can be really picky when it comes to DVD-RWs), so we had to use the WDTV box. More cues missed thanks to spotlight guy not being to spot the people named during the acknowledgments, but it turned out I was really just supposed to mention their names, period.

I missed one couple out of the 7 I was supposed to call for the Kiss-Or-Dice game, and the second game of bachelor limbo rock wasn't executed as well as I wanted, so selecting the winner felt a bit ambiguous.

Final official flub was me rambling near the end, since I was asked to wrap it up w/o actually saying "Good night," since the band was still gonna jam w/the entourage, etc.

Post-show flub? Failed to print business cards. At least one girl asked for one, but luckily I had pencil and extra kodigo paper at hand.

All in all it felt like a wedding dinner rehearsal that played live, warts and all. And boy, it played quickly. We were done in less than 2 hours. Bride grumbled a bit at my performance (welcome to the club, dear), but overall seemed fine with it. Groom was more forgiving, as well as the newlyweds' moms. Not expecting any references from wedding coorindator anytime soon.

Lessons learned? Try to find more ways to engage the audience. I think my catchphrase of the night was "Let's hear the sound of 1300 hands clapping," (they had 65 tables at 10pax) but it never occurred to me that due to the heavy rains a lot of guests had to cancel, so my clever bit falls prey to inancurrate math. The other cathphrase? "Sound Salad, ladies and gentlemen." I think I introduced the band so many times I was starting to sound like their manager.

Good points? Well, I look damn snazzy in a suit and tie. Plus I didn't have to speak Chinese, tho' that meant all that translating I had done and rehearsing my lines were for naught.

And now as host I'd like to thank the following:

Thanks to Kym for getting me this gig.

Thanks to wedding coordinator ex-tah-roar-da-naire Caroline Sevilla for steering the ship through choppy waters. If you privately badmouth my performance tonight I totally understand.

Thanks to my P.A. Carlos, 'coz now I can say I've had a personal assistant assigned to me (I feel like Carrie Fisher). Honestly, in all the time I've been doing this I've been given a P.A. to help me out.

Thanks finally to Edmund and Candice for trusting me to do my job when, honestly, they could have gotten someone else, someone more experienced, possibly funnier and w/ much better hair and charisma. I know I was a last-minute replacement of-sorts, so I hope I didn't disappoint either of you too badly. ;)

CelluLost, CelluFound

Yesterday while dropping Mom off at the side entrance of SM Sta. Mesa (near their SM Appliances building), I dropped my cellphone, but didn't notice it was missing 'til I got home. Used Ma's phone to call it, but didn't hear a peep from inside the Hi-Ace.

Not in here, then. But I know I had it w/ me on the road. Crap, must've fallen off outside Centerpoint.

I started calling it. No answer. I sent text messages to it saying the phone was reported missing, and to call Mom's cell if found ASAP. Went back w/ the driver to the "scene of the crime" and asked the traffic guard if he noticed a Nokia 6300 lying on the road about an hour ago (no joke). He said he didn't and directed me to their customer relations office. They said no-one reported anything of a sort, but I left my contact numbers w/ them just the same.

Went home and texted the same notice to my phone, but in poorly worded Tagalog. I added the para makakuha nang biyaya, thinking the latter word meant "reward," but it actually meant, "grace" or "blessing."

Either way it worked. Couple of minutes later I got a call from someone named "Hammer" ("Parang yung martilyo?" "Oo, ganun din yung spelling.") who said he found my phone and lived in V. Mapa (Whew, malapit). We arranged to meet this morning at the Mercury Drugstore branch near Centerpoint.

When he was late I was getting antsy, but eventually inside the pharmacy I was approached by a decently dressed (tho' effeminately made up) man who asked me, "Kayo ba si Wel-vin?" Just then left pants pocket sang out my Simpsons acapella ringtone. I answered it, and it was Bebot (who accompanied me as a "lookout") asking if this was Hammer. I told her I got the phone and gave Hammer a cash envelope before parting ways.

Lessons learned? One: Don't be so freakin' absentminded w/ handling your cellphones. If it's on your lap, put it in your bag. Two: Honest people are out there. You just have to make an effort to find them. :)

Wish It Was Under Better Circumstances (UPDATED)

Broke it off w/ my girlfriend tonight (or 3 1/2 hours before midnight). It's been building up for some time, but my cowardice dragged on the relationship longer than it should have. I thought with time deeper feelings would grow naturally and things would improve, but in the end I couldn't match her affection for me, and she deserves someone that would, could and should. Can't force these things.

It was confusing for me to hear her say she sorta saw it coming but was "shocked" and "in disbelief" when I said the words. Still, I'm the breaker, not the breakee, so I let her voice out emotionally and otherwise. Pointing out her faults would've been, well, pointless. Whole thing took about an hour.

Further fallout will be dealt with, particularly w/ returning properties. The Sun cellphone goes back to her, as well as borrowed laptop and her paperback collection. But I told her she could keep the iPod, since it was a birthday gift, and the shirt Mom gave her.

And then there's Family. She still has a shirt deal w/ Boit, and possible sale of wholesale cloth for beddings w/ Evett. On my end I was supposed to make a DVD for her dad compiling the pictures of our trip to Batangas.

Billy Joel was right: Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel. Otherwise you might end up quoting Michael Bolton (and who the hell wants that): Said I loved you, but I lied.

Advance apologies to Dee, KV, Rons and 'Sen. Guess you won't get to meet her after all. Guess I'm attending that Puerto Prinsesa wedding solo, relatively speaking. More "Me" time. Whee.

UPDATE: We agreed to still be friends.