Breasts 2.0

Nobody'll recognize me!

The following is my solicited but unpublished magazine article on How Men Really Feel About Breast Implants.  (Images taken online and modified totally w/o permission.)--

NOTE: Some of the names of the men interviewed have been changed to protect their Facebook profile pages from possible wife/girlfriend/mistress reprisals. 

BOOBS! It’s fun to say, funnier to hear, and only a little bit funny typing it as 8-0-0-8-5 on a digital calculator and showing it to co-workers, thus earning you the moniker of either Office Clown or Potential Sexual Harassment Case.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the silicone breast implant. Before 1961 the procedures women (and presumably men on a dare) had to endure included inserting polyvinyl sponges, or directly injecting the silicone, the patient’s own fatty tissue or paraffin (way back in 1890) into the breast, but all of this resulted in shrinkage and/or hardening of the sponges, inflammation, reabsorbing of the fat by the body, and lumpy formations, respectively. 

Not shown actual size.

Medical science has since moved on to using saline implants (developed in 1965), and as milestones go, this is significant in terms of breast implants’ bumpy, lumpy and infectious history of trial and error. 

A semi-fictionalized account of the silicone breast implants’ origins can be seen in the HBO movie Breast Men (starring David Schwimmer, Chris Cooper and Emily Procter, the latter possibly fulfilling the fantasies of CSI: Miami’s more sexually deviant fans who’ve wondered what Detective Calleigh Duquesne’s knockers look like, as she displays them here in all their before-and-after-surgery glory), while Hollywood and the adult entertainment industry lets you see them in action, so to speak.

But what of the other women in the world who don’t usually flaunt mammary outside of their gynecologist’s office or a National Geographic photo-shoot?  What possesses them to get a pair of inner falsies, and are their efforts properly appreciated by the male of the species? As women are prone to talk about shoes, men talk to other men about breasts, real or “boobleg.” (™ & © Wilben Santos, 2011) I was fortunate enough to convince some of them to get their thoughts on print.

Mike H. is a 29-year-old business developer and admitted boob man.  He says implants are not his thing, and looking at them feels like cheating.

“It’s the equivalent of eating Chicken Joy in Mcdo: it’s just not right,” he says. “I can understand the aesthetic principal behind them but I prefer small and perky than big and fake.  The only time I’d accept fake boobs is if the woman was as flat as a frying pan…but if you're already a B-Cup and you still want to be a DD... 'wag na.” 

If Superman did this we'd be appalled.

I asked him why he thinks women undergo the procedure. “Well women do it for men, CLEARLY. Self-esteem I can understand but to say that it’s not for men to look at and only for their own liking is bullsh*t.  There is a difference.  But no matter how awesome they look, it will still never compare to the real natural boobies.”

Erno, a 21-year-old musician, sees it differently. “…Because it gives them self-confidence, and supposedly (if) it’s a successful operation, their partner could find visual pleasure. You know what I mean.”  His meaning couldn’t be any clearer if it was made of Glad Wrap.

For a moment he feels empathic and says he dislikes them “for long-term reasons, how it will affect them 10-15 years down the road.” When I gave him a hypothetical scenario of his girlfriend wanting to get a pair, he said he’d only agree for “health reasons.” (e.g. reconstructive surgery following a mastectomy.)

“Long term health is more important to me, of course,” he said, “but vanity over health...that’s kinda stupid na… but at the end of the day decision nila ‘yon. If they want their assets done then so be it.”

Rad, a 31-year-old graphics artist based in Singapore, thinks implants are a bit useless, fragile but ironically everlasting.

From our online chat he said, “Nakakatakot baka mag-rupture, eh. And wouldn't it look weird ‘pag matanda ka na boobs mo nakatayo pa din?”

So I asked him when he thinks they’d do some good he said, “Hmm, (for) self-esteem? But then if your self-esteem relies solely on 2 bags of saline, then you have bigger problems, hahaha.”

Glenn, a Solution Architect, emphasizes the “showmanship” aspect of breast implants: “I truly believe that the…effects of having those puppies are short-term. They may draw the crowd, but may not make the crowd stay.”  (I think he just described a traffic accident.)

Thirty-year-old bank manager Kato is not a fan as he feels that it “reduces the fantasy.”  An ironic turn of phrase, seeing as “reduce” isn’t the word that comes to mind regarding breast implants.

I asked him what if they were made so well he couldn't tell the difference. “If such a thing exists then ignorance is bliss,” he said.

Henri is French, and as a nice change of pace for this article has had hands-on (pun intended) experience with fake breasts, which he says feel better than sagging ones. “When they don't pass the ball-pen test.”

“What's the ball-pen test,” I ask, guessing that quiz papers aren’t involved.

“You put a ball-pen under the breast. If it doesn’t fall, the girl needs a lift or an implant.”  Who needs medical science when you have office supplies, I always say.

He then added, “And I love nipple.” Out of context I would have thought Henri was suggesting raunchy T-shirt slogans. But he offers more strongly French-accented anecdotal evidence.

“Silicone implant, if massage(d) regularly can stay soft. I like when the girl changes them every 5 years, 5 to 10 years, so it stays soft, not too hard. Best for me is (sic) saline implants.   I met a Brazilian girl...and when she told me she had implants I still could not believe it.   It was saline. Also the best (surgery) scar is under the armpit, and then the doc goes under the muscle tissue so you don't really feel the implant but rather the muscle tissue and fat.”

“If you have the scar at the nipple or under the breast, first you can see the scar when you get close and you can really feel the implants. So do it, and do it right. We love the look and the feel.”

Will, not unlike Star Trek’s James T. Kirk, is the youngest small-ship captain I know at 25 years. He said while he doesn’t like the feel of them, “it depends on the woman carrying them, or the woman you're feeling (up), or how the woman feels with them.  A woman can be sexy without them.   Super sexy.  But if a woman doesn't have them and feels insecure, better to have them (done). As a man though, I prefer the real thing.”

Michael, a 41-year-old self-employed German based in Makati shares this politically incorrect (read: entertaining) tale: “I just saw a woman 5 feet tall with boobs the size of her head in Bora. She was a pro... but it looked unreal... the staring affect is the same as when you see midget throwing event: sorta freaky and kinda voyerish with a little guilt and feeling of abandonment.”

He added, “I only had the opportunity twice --not including the sex part-- and they felt real (‘cause I couldn't really mash them) the tissue was quite a bit stretched, I couldn’t feel the implant per se. I have seen Matronas in their 60s sporting some huge knockers.  Odd looking if the rest of the body is sagging. Huge knockers don’t add beauty for me, just a point of attention and chikka.”

For clarification I asked him, “But do you prefer huge knockers, real or otherwise?”

“Good question,” he said. “Personally I find big ones hard to handle. Literally. In the bedroom, big ones are fun, but I’d be more than happy with a ‘B.’ I’ll be the first to stare at big ones but I am more of a butt man. My high school girlfriend had banana boobs. (I) never really got over those. So if a boob-job makes you feel better about yourself... at that point i would have to say go for it. One friend went from a flat to an ‘A’ cup. It looks good (but fake); no boobs are that perky unless you are sixteen.”

Finally he shared a story about his friend hooking up with a DD-sized woman who wouldn't take off her bra because the shaking caused her pain during sex. (“When laying down doggy style was fine; she put a pillow below her boobs.”) On the other hand his friend could play with them while watching TV, so he was happy with that.

Charles is a 24-year-old European ex-pat engineer with experience handling both conspicuous and subtle boob-jobs. “It's always super-nice to watch.   For the playing with part…it depends how they are done. If it's cheap work... it's counter-effective; but sometimes I couldn't feel it at all, then it's really nice.”

I also gave him a hypothetical scenario of the flat-chested girlfriend who wanted to get a pair (“Not necessarily huge, but just to give future bras or bikini tops something to latch on to,” I added), and he was more than supportive about the whole thing.

“I would pay for the top one (cosmetic surgeon). It's really not cool to feel the implant.”

I then asked, “Do you think women have to them done for themselves or for men?”

Charles thought the answer was obvious and just threw a couple of questions back at me: “Why do they pretty themselves up? Why do they wear high heels? Makeup, spend an hour having their hair done, same answer.” 

Celebrity Barbie.  With Barbie brain to match.

I remember something my sister said while we watched an episode of Golden Girls (ironically the last place you’d expect to see fake breasts): if the girl lies down but her boobs stay up, they’re fake. This writer has seen enough NSFW media (“research purposes”) and read enough 1990s superhero comics to know that statement to be true. It’s a sad testament to Man’s priorities that while we still don’t have personal, practical devices that enable us to defy gravity, Science has produced breasts that can.

Keeping with this superficial standpoint, I believe some women get them not to compensate for a lack of chestiness, but rather to distract men from the fact that what they truly lack are either good looks or brains. Ladies: If you are pretty, intelligent and have a decent personality, guys consider everything below the neck to be a bonus. Or as some well-endowed women are wont to say: “Hey, eyes up HERE.”